Senior Humor

Need to Lighten For A Day!!





They Say Laughter Is The Best Medicine!!  So Here Go's

Don't you just hate weddings:
I hate them because the old people always poke you and say "Your next!." So I started doing the same thing to them... at funerals.

Love Making Tips for Senior Citizens:
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

The Talking Frog:
An 86 year old fisherman was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.' The old fisherman looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, 'What are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Wedding Plans
- Jake, 92, and Sylvia, 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jake suggests they go in. Jake addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jake: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jake: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jake: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? " Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jake: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jake: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jake: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jake: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Finally satisfied, Jake says to the pharmacist: "OK, we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

The Golden years are here at last.
I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks.
No sense of smell, I look like hell.
The Golden years have come at last.
The Golden years can kiss my ass.

WORDS OF WISDOM
Retirement Planning Advice
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

“The age of a woman doesn’t mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.”

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles."

Warning! - NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

"These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something... then wonder what I'm here after."

The only two things we do with greater frequency when we get older
is urinate and attend funerals.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?

"I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all!"

Hope you got a chuckle....Talk Soon   M.